Unconditional love
Being a parent is not easy. It’s a role that comes with great responsibility and for which most of us are not well prepared. It’s a constant battle within and without. It’s a constant battle for boundaries, desires and expectations.
Being a parent is an intense sport. There are many times when I feel exhausted. My mind, my body, my soul.
There are times that I wish I wasn’t a parent. I want to give up, yet I keep going. My ethical code of conduct doesn’t allow me a different choice than that. Yes, I do love my kids but my love is not unconditional, as I would wish for it to be. Instead it’s conditional in alignment with my own boundaries, desires, standards, expectations and conditioning around kids and parenting. Being conscious of that makes it really hard to not get triggered and beat myself up for being human.
Ignoring the human nature, societal standards require that I, as the parent, am expected to love my kids unconditionally, meaning I am expected to be there for them no-matter what and that I love who they truly are and not my ideal version of them. Yet, I, the parent, am the one to set the conditions and shape greatly who they become in the first place.
Personally, I am not sure what “unconditional love” is and if it’s even possible to exist in this physical reality. I have never experienced pure unconditional love. I have never been taught or shown how to express this to myself or others. There is no human experience without conditions. You need conditions to have a physical experience. The existence of life itself is dependent on conditions. Every human being is a set of specific ( some of which unique) conditions. How can then love, -even for your own kids-, be exempt from this reality?
All of us during our life experience, we develop our own perspectives, standards and expectations which we then try to satisfy and maintain so that we can feel safe and in control of our lives. Feelings of attachment, habitual closeness, and intimacy we call “love”. Whenever we sacrifice or suffer for the sake of others we say we express “unconditional love” and we take great pride in that.
But in my view, this is not unconditional love. Perhaps not even love! For one, you cannot act lovingly towards anyone else when you act unlovingly to yourself. True love can only be expressed when you show this love to yourself first. If not, you create imbalance within your body. This imbalance will deplete you and sooner or later your body and mind will “speak” on your behalf.
I wish one day, I’ll be able to say that I experienced unconditional love for myself and others. Perhaps this is the ultimate spiritual goal we all try to reach for (consciously or unconsciously). For now, I learn to accept my humanity and my imperfect, conditional (among others parental) self. Bringing awareness and acting lovingly and compassionately towards myself first has become my priority, knowing the ripple effect of this (self-) love and acceptance will also benefit others around me in ways I cannot even imagine.
