I don’t know what I am doing but I’m doing it anyway
Today is one of my “low” days.
I feel sad, frustrated and doubtful about myself, my skills and my ability to succeed in my new endeavor.
It’s one of those days that you get disappointed because your expectations have not yet been met. Deep down you know this is going to work, yet so far nothing seems to actually produce tangible and encouraging results. Your efforts don’t seem to pay off. You are simply called to keep believing, keep expecting, keep hoping that things will start showing up differently in your reality.
So, today, I cannot help it but wonder, “Am I being delusional?”. I am literally crying as I am writing this. I feel so emotional today.
My greatest struggle, in this, is that I am feeling quite lonely. You see, most of my closest people (friends, family) don’t seem to believe that what I am doing is “realistic”. They cannot stop me, yet they don’t actively support me nor encourage me. Even today, my mother called me to ask me to apply for a job opening in the public sector as an Engineer (my former profession). She (also) keeps acting like the path I’m choosing to follow is “not real”, “not safe”, “not financially secure”. I know it comes from good intention, yet it’s reinforcing my point of not feeling understood and supported.
I don’t blame them. They simply cannot see life the way I do, and at the same time I don’t resonate with the way they view it anymore. So there is a real gap there which cannot be fully bridged. Perhaps if I prove them wrong, one day…it will.
For me this has been the hardest part in this journey. I’d like to have people that believe in me, uplift me and encourage me, in days like today. I found that encouragement at times in some friends and therapists when I reached out, yet it doesn’t happen by default.
Of course all things in life have two sides.
Because the fact that I have no actual external support from my closest people has been the reason that I’ve proven to myself how strong I am and how I trust my intuition and inner knowing. You lose something, you gain something…that’s life.
Having to go “against the current” is not easy, but when it feels to be the only way forward for you, then you just do it. Even if the path is unclear.
And in this space here with you I feel more safe than I ever felt in my entire life. Being able to express openly my feelings, thoughts and perception and connect with people who actually resonate with and benefit from this, is the ultimate sense of freedom. That fulfills, nourishes and heals my mind and soul.
So, perhaps I am being delusional.
However, dreaming big, trying new things, changing your life, mindset and ultimately your reality, require you to believe and trust in magic, in the unknown, in the possibility of…in the knowing of... Pursuing your “delusional goals” require you to have faith and trust in something bigger than you. Something that will keep you safe no-matter what. Simply because you chose to live your life and not someone else’s.
I know this path I am choosing holds a lot more lessons for me to learn, and that’s ok with me. Because these are going to be new lessons and not repetitions of lessons I’ve already outgrown. Learning through new experiences, means I am growing, I am expanding by boundaries, I am becoming a different version of myself. And that is scary AND exciting!
