Ready to explode
Ready to explode. My heart is raising, blood is rising up to my head, and my voice reaches levels I, myself, cannot even stand. Anger is piling up.
Parenthood is a role that tests your limits, patience and ability to adapt, influence and lead more than anything else.
And guess what! Most times, you feel you fail at it terribly. Right now, it is one of those times for me.
In those moments what comes up at the surface is a lot of anger, but anger is simply a cover. If you listen to yourself carefully, underneath it there is a lot of shame, resentment and helplessness.
Parenthood is simply one example but we may exert similar behavior in any other type of relationship (primarily our most intimate ones)
I often say that most of us- if not all of us- are children in adults’ bodies. It is this immature part of us that feels helpless and triggered every moment we feel ‘out of control’ with anger.
Healthy anger communicates our personal boundaries but it never justifies emotional explosion, overreaction, purposefully raising our voice, or shutting down. In those moments we are unable to take into account the opposing argument - in the case of parenting considering the arguments of our child(ren)- while directly communicating to them ‘It’s my way or the highway’.
This type of communication is at minimum ineffective and damages trust and deep connection.
Realizing that this happens, -ideally in the moment that it happens-, is already the first crucial step towards assuming responsibility and start course correcting towards a more mature (adult) behavior. Afterall, children learn through our own example, not from our words.
So, what would be a more mature, evolved and healthy behavior?
First step is to notice. Notice ourselves overreacting, being defensive or stiff and rigid within the situation.
Then, pause. Even mid-sentence. Simply stop talking.
Remove yourself from the ‘scene’, ideally after expressing that you need some time alone at the moment.
Allow yourself to acknowledge, name and feel what you’re feeling. “I feel so angry right now.”
Then ask: “What’s the underlying -true- feeling my anger covers right now? What do I actually feel?”
Allow yourself to release that feeling from you body - e.g., by trembling, crying, journaling (that’s what I am currently doing), exercising, going for a walk, listening to music and dancing…there is a plethora of options. Choose what fits best for you in that moment.
After you have calmed down try to trace the underlying thought. Form it in a way that is what you are feeling - not what someone else did to you. e.g. Instead of “They don’t respect and value what I do for them”, try “I felt disrespected or devalued, by their behavior”.
Then ask, why. Why did I feel like that? What is the boundary that I feel has been crossed or the unexpressed/unsatisfied need I have? Why did I make it to be about me?
Then try to get the third party’s behavior and true intention into perspective. Is it actually true they don’t respect or value me? Was this actually their intention? Most often than not it was never anyone’s intention, especially our children’s, to harm us, disrespect us or devalue us.
When ready, return to the conversation will a clear mind and the intention to reconnect, make amendments and truly understand this time.
Emotional maturity, unlike biological maturation, is not an automatic process. It’s a choice of assuming responsibility and acting differently. Most of us did not have any role models in our closest circle of relationships with adults (e.g. caregivers) to teach us this type of mature and regulated emotional behavior. However, nowadays, we are the adults. The information is everywhere. I am sure this is not the first time you hear how to emotionally regulate when triggered. Yet somehow you fail to apply it. It’s too much work, right?
The information is not the issue. Our ability to assume responsibility of our own behavior is the real problem. If we want to create balanced and respectful relationships with others, we need to commit to our own emotional evolution first.
We need to grow up first!
Take care,
Eleni
