Restoring inner safety

I find myself in a ‘freeze’ and fearful state more often than I’d like to admit (even to myself). Even the silliest mistake or ‘failure’ sets off the alarm of my nervous system. My body feels heavy and constricted, and my mind becomes foggy, aloof and disconnected from my environment.

I replay the ‘incident’ in my head on repeat and blame myself, which puts me deeper into this ‘freeze’ state. Like moving sand, sinking me deeper and deeper into the mad the more I try to escape it.

Today, this happened again…

This time, the trigger was a couple of incidents (yes more than one!) while driving.

First, while waiting at a crossing, I pressed the gas, -intending to move forward-, while the car was in reverse (!) which caused the car to rush backwards. I almost hit the car behind me! Thankfully, I didn’t, - the driver behind me had left sufficient distance-, but of course I received a well deserved frustrated reaction from them.

I apologized through the mirror and remained in shock for a few seconds. Initially, my attention was stuck at that incident, I blamed myself for my ‘stupidity’, yet on the way home I managed to reconcentrate and even find some compassion for myself and my mistake. Afterall, even though I was a new driver, I had reacted immediately and corrected my wrong move by pressing the brake and no damage was done-. Over the next few minutes I had managed to make myself feel calmer and reclaim an empowered state. I decided not to share this ‘incident’ with my partner because I was not willing to receive his criticism and disappointment as well which I knew would put me back into the self-blaming game.

Well…little that I knew…

A few moments later, as I was parking the car in our garage, I realized I was too close to one of the side walls and so I tried to correct it. Unfortunately, I didn’t succeed. Instead, during the correction maneuver, I scratched and slightly deformed the car’s frame below the drivers door. I froze the car and I called my partner to come downstairs and help me - i.e., he took over and parked the car-.

To my surprise, my partner was quite calm and didn’t criticism me (openly) as I would have expected him to do. Ok, it was not a big damage, nor it is a brand new car, yet there was a mistake, and there was damage.

And not only to the car…

My inner state was now far from calm and compassionate towards myself for my mistake(s). I felt shut down. I was moving and acting as normal- maybe a bit more in slow motion than usual-, yet my body and mind were in shock. I felt fearful and unsafe. My body went into freeze mode.

But this time was different…

Over the last couple of years I’ve learned how to observe myself, my thoughts, behaviors and patterns. This observation allows me to detach from the stories I tell myself over a certain experience so that I can create space and allow myself to consider different options, narratives and outcomes. From that state I can actually (re)train my nervous system to feel safe. Only when I feel safe I can use any experience to learn and grow.

Essentially, I am learning to move out of that freeze state by staying present AND observant with what I am experiencing, while also talking myself out of the ‘fixed mindset’ and into a ‘growth mindset’. More often than not, a good cry releases a lot of trapped energy and helps me move out of that fearful state faster.

You see, the fixed mindset creates a direct link between the (undesirable) experience I have (created) with who I am as a person; e.g., I made a mistake while driving = I am a bad driver = I cannot do anything right= I am a failure= I am unworthy of love/respect/acceptance= I am unsafe.

On the contrary, when I am in a ‘growth mindset’ I allow myself to use my experiences (desirable or not) as lessons to learn from; e.g., I made a mistake while driving = mistakes are part of the learning process, thankfully I am safe and no serious damage was done this time. I’ll be extra careful and concentrated while driving. = I am capable of improvement and learning = I am still worthy of love/respect/acceptance= I am safe.

Cultivating and experiencing inner safety when things go ‘wrong’ does not come natural to most of us…especially those of us who learned to operate with a ‘fixed mindset’ most of our lives.

It’s great and priceless if/when we have other people around us who can model this safety for us, however, as adults, it’s essential that we learn the way to cultivate inner safety and reclaim our sovereignty even without external support or validation.