Self - acceptance: A rebellious act
Believing in yourself and trusting your abilities is hard…
….when there are no external evidence of this.
And yet, this is how external evidence for anything, in your experience of reality, is created; by truly believing in whatever you want to experience (consciously or unconsciously) within you first. You must believe you deserve it. You must believe you are the person who can have or experience it. Only then you can actually make decisions and take actions in alignment with your preferred outcome.
And while in theory it’s easy to intellectually understand how these two worlds (the inner and the outer) relate to each other, in practice things are quite more complex.
And that’s a hard pill to shallow. Because when you become aware that your beliefs don’t align with your desires, change is needed and the process can be often be long lasting and painful. In that process of change, inner conflict and regression linked to feelings of hopelessness, self-blaming and shame are almost inevitable.
Rejection hurts, but self rejection feels devastating.
Many of us (if not all of us) have internalized the belief that we need to be useful, helpful or pleasant (to others) to believe we deserve love, attention and acceptance. We’ve connected our value with external approval and appreciation for our services. Without the external proof or evidence you feel hopeless and useless. Thus all your efforts, actions and thoughts are aligned towards receiving that external proof by focusing your energy in ‘serving’ others.
Nothing wrong with serving others, if that’s something that genuinely fulfills you. But serving others with the (often subconscious) intention to build up your self-esteem and self-worth is a circular road that leads nowhere. It’s like a dog chasing her own tale.
Self-rejection (or lack of self-acceptance) is also something I am struggling with at core level. Despite the fact that I’ve become aware of my patterns and I’m walking for some time now down the path of self-empowerment, my inner child often feels unseen.
Why? Because I am failing to truly recognize and accept it as genuinely valuable, - simply because I exist-. And even if I see me as such and build in some positive feelings and momentum temporarily, the next moment I’ll try to find me a task to accomplish or set a goal for me to reach. And that’s like going back to square one, and the cycle repeats.
Even me now writing this post, is an attempt to accomplish something of importance and prove to myself that I worthy of (my) love, appreciation and attention for who I am.
I could have written the same text in my journal and keep it to myself, yet I know this is not just something I only struggle with. Therefore, to me , this is worth sharing even if that means exposing myself to the world in this moment. Perhaps I also share to get approval and validation, if I want to be fully honest, yet, I truly hope this is also helpful to you who read this.
How can that be helpful? I guess, by reading this, something inside you may be moved or highlighted. Potentially you may relate to it. Maybe not. That’s not up to me to say but that’s definitely my (conscious) intention for putting these words out there for you to read.
The only way out of self-rejection is self-acceptance. Every time you feel that inner push and pull, that nasty voice who blames and shames you for what you have NOT accomplished or achieved or for the way “you are”, DON’T try to shut it down. DON’T try to distract yourself so that it will stop.
Sit with it, listen to it, BUT DO NOT believe it! Simply acknowledge it, identify the beliefs underneath it, express it (write, draw, cry or shout it out) and thank it (if you can). Then prove it wrong by taking action against ‘its’ false beliefs.
So, this post, today, is my own rebellious act against my own self-rejecting patterns saying (once again): “This is how I choose to serve the world.”
