Flip it and free yourself
“Whatever keeps you stuck is the same thing that can free you if you choose to look at its flip side.”
Today, I asked myself this question:
‘What is it that keeps me small and in the shadows although I want to be seen and recognized for who I am?’
The answer came almost instantaneously:
‘I show up for others to see me, not for myself. I create (also) with the intention to prove, not for the pure joy and expression of it.’
And that although painful to accept, it seems to be quite true.
When I create, - especially when I speak or write- I create through the filters of how will others receive my work -this is my soul’s work (just somewhat filtered through old narratives)-.
Other times, I create in the moment through pure inspiration, without really considering the actual value that my content can offer to someone. And when you want to earn money from what it is that you do, the value aspect is all that matters.
In both cases I essentially self-sabotage because of the fear of been disapproved or rejected. This is the underlying story/pattern that runs my life so far in everything I do, even in my personal relationships.
I feel a visceral (subconscious) urge to prove my worth so that I don’t get rejected or abandoned. What ends up happening though is that I rush in to self-reject and self-abandon myself first, and then the outcome just reflects back the harvest from the seeds I, myself, have planted.
And now that I’ve seen it, recognized it and accepted it, I’ve also been given the chance to flip the script and interrupt the pattern. And that’s the power of self awareness.
I just caught myself playing small again, simply by writing this blog. Another attempt to criticize me and self-reject before someone else does- the pattern still thrives in me-.
I am still posting it, though! From now on, I set the intention that you get more and more of me. Not only the parts that I like about myself but also truths and patterns I judge and reject. I am learning to accept and integrate them too, slow and steady.
Afterall, reclaiming self worth and self love is a journey to be experienced. Not a race to be won.
